


Leaves an Awful Hole

by Rose_Verte



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/M, Gen, Guilt, Love, M/M, No one dies though, Sadness, Suicide Attempt, heavy death themes, obligatory taako and lucretia make up fic, you know the holidays
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:08:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21677251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rose_Verte/pseuds/Rose_Verte
Summary: It’s Candlenights. Taako has a house. Taako has a boyfriend. Taako is happy?It’s Candlenights and something, someone almost shatters.It’s Candlenights and it feels suddenly like the one chance to be together again before they’re all finally truly apart.
Relationships: Barry Bluejeans/Lup, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone), Taako & Lucretia (The Adventure Zone), Taako’s relationships with pretty much everyone
Comments: 50
Kudos: 128





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the classic holiday love fest that’s really about death, It’s A Wonderful Life. 
> 
> Chapters are planned to come out weekly in December and I’ve already written most of the next two so that’s actually probably going to happen. 
> 
> Comments are super appreciated.

It was Candlenights and Taako was alone and for once in his very long life, he was almost ok with that. In the six months since his memories had been returned to him (and he saved all of existence, whatever) Taako had unintentionally ended up alone a lot. In the first place, he had made the impulsive decision to buy a house in cash. And it was like, it was a great house (if your definition of great was huge, creaky and seemingly held together by magic). And he owned it. Like for real, owned it. The closest he had ever come to owning something of that magnitude had been the Sizzle it Up cart but he’d had to pay that off in installments over a year and he’d still had to sleep in cramped rooms in shitty inns with Sazed snoring three feet away. This wasn't that. He had space now. And he found out quickly that space was something Taako really liked. At least most of the time.

So, yeah, sure being alone wasn't always his favorite thing. That wasn't exactly a startling psychological discovery. But it was Candlenights, and in between his sudden decision to suspend classes for a month (elven Candlenights is twice as long, ya know?), a very stupid, very pointless mission the night before that inexplicably involved ice hockey and Merle in a santa suit* and the increasing number of guests who had rsvp’d to the baller Candlenights feast he and Lup were planning for the upcoming weekend, he was genuinely feeling the warm holiday spirit at the moment and he had just settled in on the couch with some mulled cider when he heard the click of his front door being unlocked downstairs . 

“Taako?” His boyfriend’s (normal) voice called out tentatively from the hallway. “Sorry I didn’t-are you home?” 

“In the living room.” Taako fought the impulse to roll his eyes. He waited until he could hear Kravitz's footsteps before adding “You know the point of me giving you a key is that you don't have to call first or ask if I'm home, right? If you're in the area and you want to hang out, just fucking come in and don't make it weird.” Which of course was something Kravitz always had the power to do, but the whole giving of the key deal was symbolic of like, a higher level of intimacy and commitment than Taako had ever experienced in a romantic relationship before and frankly he resented having to draw attention to that.

“Doesn't seem-” Kravitz’s normally impassive face broke into a sudden smirk as he entered the room “-polite. Uhh hey. What's uh, whatchu up to there, babe? You look...cozy.” 

For just a beat, Taako recalled the first few months of their relationship and the way he would carefully plan his outfit, their activities and the food they would consume for maximum seduction effect (without admitting to himself that he was doing that) and compared that image to the sight of him now, tipsy on cider, covered in blankets, wearing a Candlenights bush print onesie and sporting a face that was, although naked of it's usual glamour, obscured by a thick coating of a pore cleansing charcoal facemask. Well. What of it? “I _am_ cozy, dude. Feeling the holiday spirit. You want up in this?” 

“You know I do.” They shared a smile before Taako wiped the mask off with a washcloth he had prepped earlier and Kravitz sidled up beside him on the couch. Then, as was their routine at this point, he placed the back of his hand gently against Taako’s cheek (to test and adjust his body temperature because no matter how much his love had permawarmed him or whatever, fresh from the hunt Kravitz was still cold as hell sometimes, pun intended) and Taako leaned into it (feeling somewhat self conscious that his body language was all too similar to that of Kravitz’s cats when they wanted to be fed) and asked “how was your day?”

Around the world, and probably the planarverse, Taako reasoned that there were couples asking each other how their days were after they had finished work every night. But since Kravitz was by far the most long term romantic partner he’d ever had and because one of the qualities he appreciated most in him was how at ease he felt talking to him about his own shit, it had only recently occurred to him that perhaps the effort could be more reciprocal in that regard. So the game was, whenever he saw Krav after an absence he had to ask him how he was doing before he told him _anything_ about his own activities. He wasn't sure if Krav had caught on to his game yet, but he knew he was winning at it. Because even though most of the time, Kravitz found what most people would consider one of the most interesting jobs in the planarverse genuinely boring and would rather spend his time with Taako talking about music, or their cats or something strange Barry and Lup had done rather than getting into the nuts and bolts of a day of reaping there were times when the answer to how his day was turned out to be a sigh and a reluctant “not great” and even though neither of them particularly wanted to, they spent a good portion of their evening talking about death and how sometimes dealing in that could affect even the most seasoned of reapers. 

Luckily, this was not one of those nights. “Fine, good. Things wrapped up earlier than I thought.” Kravitz waved off the inquiry with a grin. “Let’s dive in more to your situation. Is that...are you reading erotica right now? _Straight_ erotica?” He gestured to a book folded open cover side up next to his drink with the words Casey Crawford and the Longest Night written in elegant script above a drawing of a very buxom half elf holding a dagger. 

Taako bristled. “First of all, it’s character driven, thank you. And secondly, Mr. “I’ll be back on Wednesday”, up until like two minutes ago I thought tonight was Taako Time so I’ma need you to check your judgement.” Kravitz held his hands up “No judgement. Just curious.” “Riiight.” Taako peered at him suspiciously for a moment before continuing.“So, ok, I was Candlenights shopping earlier and I stopped by this bookstore in Neverwinter to find something for Angus-” “And this is what you settled on?” “Let me _finish_. Yeah, so I was shopping for Ango but like, I don’t really read, you know, so I couldn’t think of anything he’d want besides those Caleb Cleaveland books and he’s already read them and frankly they seem a little below his reading level at this point so I innocently asked the clerk if she had something like Caleb but a little more-” “Oh, gods, Taako you didn’t use the word _adult_ , did you?” “Listen, I realize my mistake now, man. But at the time-” “You can’t give those kinds of books to-“ “Obviously.” He gestured to his whole deal again. “But his loss is my gain. Now if you’ll excuse me, cha boy is about to find out how many euphemisms there are for ghost dick so-” “I’m sorry, did you say _ghost_? This is-you’re reading ghost porn?” “It’s a _character driven_ series, Kravitz. There are like, psychological implications to Casey’s penchant for undead paramours.”

Kravitz, obviously hard at work hiding a smirk, kissed Taako (cool, but not chilly per se) on the neck and murmured. “I’m not touching that with a ten foot poll.” To which Taako snuggled into his chest with a grin and replied “Ten feet is a little generous even for you, don’t you think?” before they both finally broke into easy laughter. This was nice. Being alone was one thing but it couldn’t beat _this_. Them, together, in his _house_ with nothing and no one else to answer to and that look on Krav’s face, Taako’s favorite look. Impossibly fond and honest and happy. He had lived a very long time without being looked at like that. It wasn’t something he intended on taking for granted.

But. Still. 

“I really am in the middle of read-” “Did you wanna do din-”

Oops. Seems they weren’t exactly on the same page after all. 

Kravitz sighed, the happy, open expression he had been sporting losing out to the impassive look Taako referred to mentally as Reaper Face. Not quite as effective in hiding his emotions as full on Skeleton Mode (Taako could see something sad and hesitant behind his eyes) but a definite change nonetheless. “I apologize. I should have called first, I just-” “Fantasy Christ, dude. If you keep saying shit like that I’m going to pull a muscle from the repetitive strain of rolling my eyes.” He cracked his neck and started to rise. “I ate already but sit tight and Papa will whip you up something. You good with soup?” “Nooo, Taako.” Kravitz grabbed his arm. “Don’t get up. You’re doing your thing. I’m not _hungry_.” (This was probably true, Taako had discovered that hunger was generally the type of mortal need that Kravitz could turn off if he wasn’t in the mood for, a fact that he found much creepier than form shifting and tended to ignore.) “I just wanted to spend time with you. That’s all. I should have called.” And he gave him a half smile which didn’t quite meet his eyes. 

The thing about a real relationship that was more than three months long, Taako was learning, was that there were these mundane not really a problem problems you just couldn’t anticipate because they weren’t like, breakup worthy they were just...awkward. This was one of them. He wanted Kravitz around (like _a lot_ , like maybe more than was possible given their respective situations) but he also didn’t want to have to spend every moment they had together entertaining him. He had thought, Candlenights. Magnus would show up with his army of dogs at some point and Merle with his hopefully more housebroken children begging for presents and the reaper squad had promised him that the workload was divided well enough that they’d all be able to hang out for days. Angus was coming too, he hoped. And he’d sent a letter to Dav. Lup had invited Lucretia too, he assumed (though he hadn’t checked into it, obviously). It was going to be busy in his house and he was going to cook a lot and everyone was just going to like, relax and be with each other without the need for an external event because Candlenights was the event. And when he looked beyond that he saw...Kravitz was still here and the house was quieter but not too quiet. He could see himself, cooking or reading or whatever and Krav upstairs practicing long tones or playing with the cats. But that was a vision he didn’t feel ready to examine too closely yet. The fact was they didn’t live together and even if he wanted them to, the way things were with Kravitz, he wasn’t sure if they could. 

Worrying about the future wasn’t what Taako wanted right then. It was Candlenights. He was cozy. And he had his guy here, on bonus. Nothing was ruining that. 

He reached over and gave Kravitz a playful shove. “Ok, dork, if you wanna hang out with me so much then hang out with me, but you have to get on my level so-” Grinning, he handed Kravitz the book, closed his eyes and put his feet up on his lap, wiggling them a little to accentuate his point.

“Page 203. You can start at the top.” There was a pause and then a chuckle. He grinned a little wider before adding. “And babe? _Character voices_.” 

⁂

He was woken by someone shaking his shoulder, gently but enough to be jarring. He hadn’t realized he’d been actually been asleep and that always annoyed him, just a little. 

“Wasn’t sleeping. Elves don’t-” He mumbled on instinct as he rubbed his eyes. 

The first person he noticed was Lup. She was sitting on the armrest of his loveseat, arms folded and incongruously dressed in a sparkly cocktail dress. Her eyes were on his and they were red rimmed, as if she’d been crying. Which was _not_ his favorite. It had been a long time since he’d seen Lup cry. It wasn’t an experience he relished reliving.

Standing behind her was Barry, wearing his black robe, an arm on her shoulder but his gaze averted. The way his mouth set gave Taako the impression he was furious about something he was keeping to himself though he couldn’t remember ever seeing Barry that kind of mad before.

Kravitz was still there too, but he was standing now instead of cuddled up next to him and he’d clearly gone Skeletor while he was sleeping at some point because he caught the tail end of the shift back. He was looking at him then, not quite with the impassivity of full Reaper Mode but more of the cautious reserve he’d had when he’d brought his cats over for a visit and had to fish one out from the space under the water heater while trying to minimize scratching. 

This didn’t look like a Candlenights visit.

“What’s uhhh...what’s up, guys?”

For about a breath, no one answered him and then, as softly as he could, Kravitz said “Everyone’s fine, Taako. That’s the first thing you need to know.”

Which was exactly the kind of thing people said when everything was decidedly not fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Placing this story a few days after the Candlenights in Tacoma liveshow, for anyone keeping track


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a rough one, folks. Check the tags for the fic in general. The fic in general has heavy death themes but we're dealing with an actual suicide attempt so if that's going to be triggering for you, please take care. 
> 
> I'm thinking the fic will be 6 chapters now but unsure. Definitely between 5-7. Still planning to update weekly (Wednesdays) but I'm also doing a Candlenights gift exchange fic so um. We'll see! But that could also mean things will come earlier because I am about a chapter ahead in my drafts still.
> 
> As always, comments are appreciated.

Here was the Candlenights plan. Merle was with his kids until Thursday but he was going to see if Hekuba was ok with him bringing them over on Saturday (because Mavis was obsessed with him ever since she’d seen him surf by her dad’s place), Magnus was staying with Carey and Killian but was planning on leaving their place at some point midweek and heading to Taako’s (Sweetflips was invited too, of course, but the understanding was that Mags would give them some alone time for the holiday and at least leave before they did if they were coming), Angus was with some heretofore unheard of uncle but was “extremely grateful for the dinner invitation and would definitely try to make it”, Ren had promised that she would make an appearance and bring more appetite than paperwork, there was always a chance that Dav would wash ashore at some point and with only a slight nudge from him, Kravitz, Lup and Barry had arranged whatever kind of schedule you had when you were death so that the four of them would be able to hang out together and do seasonal shit for a week at least.

It had seemed to him, privately, very close to a perfect plan. Which, he had enough experience with plans to know, was his first mistake. 

He ran his hands through his hair, feeling strangely exposed in his Candlenights onesie as three of the people he loved most in the planarverse stared down at him with varying degrees of concern.

“Somebody wanna clue me in to what’s going on, cause you guys are kind of spooking me out right now.”

“It’s...everything’s fine, Taako. Let’s just take a minute. There’s no need to-” Kravitz started again. 

“Hey, you know what I _love_? I love when people withhold information for my own good.” He tossed the blankets off of his lap for emphasis. “Just fucking say it, one of you. Whatever it is.” 

Knowing he’d maybe leapt headfirst into dramatic, Taako fully expected a bit of heat in his boyfriend’s response and braced for it. Kravitz had done nothing to warrant the kind of sass he was doling out (at least not yet) but something about this situation was really getting his rankles up. Instead, all he got was a sigh and a “Taako…” and he was seriously considering ways to kill the technically dead when Barry finally nutted up and got the old info dump ball rolling for the three of them. 

“Ok, well, first off, I guess we oughta let you know that we’re not going to be around for much of Candlenights, bud. Lup, uh…” he gave her a pointed look “She did something that has repercussions.” 

“It was practically a heal.” And now that she was speaking, and he could hear how hoarse her voice was. So not just crying, she’d been screaming too. He could feel his ears folding back and rearranged his hair as subtly as he could in an attempt to conceal that fact. No good would come of physical proof of how uneasy he was feeling.

“It wasn’t, though. If she could have been saved with holy magic Merle would have-”

“What repercussions?” Taako interrupted, at least in part to avoid witnessing what was clearly an already well worn domestic squabble. 

“Two weeks in the eternal stockade.” Kravitz’s expression remained neutral, though Taako knew him well enough to tell how close to breaking he was. Well, at least he was _saying_ something. “Which was the absolute _least_ I could get away with. There is a point where I can’t keep making excuses for necromancy. Not won’t. Literally, _can’t_.”

“We know, Krav. No one’s uh, no one’s mad at _you_ right now.” Barry gave Kravitz a tight smile. 

The math wasn’t that hard at this point, but he didn’t appreciate the way they continued to talk about this like he wasn’t there.

“Alright so backup, Lup’s going to Death Jail and Barry’s…?” 

“Oh, sorry, Taako. Kravitz got me placed as her guard.” 

Ah. That made sense. But he wasn’t in the mood to give his boyfriend credit for that bit of consideration quite yet, since he’d apparently been the one to send his sister to Death Jail.

His raised an eyebrow at Kravitz. “And you’re going to be picking up the slack on some graveyard shifts, I’m taking it?” 

Kravitz hesitated, though whether from the gravity of the situation or from suppressing an impulse to laugh at his pun, it was hard to say. “Something like that.” 

“Right. Well as much as I appreciate the consideration that everyone just fucking bailing on my holiday dinner without an explanation would have been kinda rude, the vibe in here is indicative of something deeper than that so...what else are y’all leaving out?” 

The three reapers exchanged a look before Lup responded, her head held high “They’re locking me up for saving Lucretia’s life, Taako. She tried to kill herself tonight.” 

⁂

Here were some of things Taako considered saying to Lucretia the night she almost killed herself as he hastily removed his onesie and put on the first pair of pants he could find so Kravitz could rift him over to see her: 

1)“If this is a bid for attention, congratulations, sweetheart. You got it.”  
2)“Next time you’re feeling low, you wanna hold it in until the fucking holidays are over?”  
3)“...is this my fault? Please tell me this isn’t my fault.” 

“Taako?” Lup was behind him now, interrupting his thought spiral with a gentle touch on his arm. 

“A minute would be cool, LuLu. Kind of the point of buying a three story house, so I no longer have to be barged in on while half naked at random times.” 

He could hear her sigh. “I have to go now.”

“Right now?” 

“Yeah.” 

Here are the things Taako considered saying to his sister, the person he would always love most in the world, after her choices caused her to be taken from him and confined in a small space for the second time in their lives. 

1)  
2)  
3)

(He had nothing) 

There was a hug, he was pretty sure. And he thought he heard himself crying, just a little bit. Or maybe it was her. Or both of them. 

Then Barry was there and he had tears in his eyes too and then they were both gone. 

⁂

Kravitz rifted them directly to Taako’s old room in the private suite. He tried not to notice that it was still unoccupied as he gave his boyfriend an eyebrow raise. 

“Force of habit, or just confused about the BOB layout, homie?” Taako asked, now running his thumb absently over the tac marks left on the wall from his Sizzle It Up poster. 

He could hear Kravitz let out a soft chuckle behind him. “Definitely the former, though I will say I’ve never been sold on the Miller school of design.” 

“You and me both, my dude.” He shook his head. Why and how Lucretia had been hoodwinked into Lucas’s crazy person flat moon hideout idea was not a thread he wished to pull at the moment. 

He felt Kravitz wrap an arm around him from behind, hesitant. 

Talk about deja vu.

“Taako.”

“Mmm.” 

He felt a gentle kiss on the tip of his ear. 

“How was your day?”

Taako laughed. His little game may not have been as subtle as he thought. 

“Pretty damn good up until about an hour ago.”

He turned back to face him. Despite the levity of his tone, his eyes betrayed obvious worry. Well, no shit they did. Taako had expected that. 

“I’m really sor-”

He cut him off with a wave of his hand. “Please. I don’t have the mental energy to deal with being mad at you for doing your job right now.” He sighed, burying his face in his boyfriend’s chest for a moment. 

“You coming up with me?” 

He could hear the slight hesitation in Kravitz’s voice. “I-if that’s what you need-”

He pulled himself upright quickly, flashing a smile. “Alright, don’t go all Fantasy Princess Bride about it. I was just asking.” 

“Babe-”

Taako shook his head. He wasn’t going to do this now. He didn’t have to capacity. “The faster you herald whatever dead were on the docket for Lup and Barry this week into the next life, the faster you come ho- come back for what’s left of the holiday, right?”

“Right.” And he was relieved to see Kravitz’s worried look had softened considerably before he kissed his forehead and rifted himself away. 

⁂

Merle was wearing sequins. Not just sequins. He was wearing what looked like his Santa suit bedazzled with sequins, while he dozed by Lucretia’s bedside, the Extreme Teen Bible open on his lap. Taako had so many questions. But before he could even think to inquire, Lucretia’s voice croaked out, in surprise.

“Taako?! What are you doing here?”

And despite the hour or so he had spent going over what he was going to say to her that night considering everything between them, when he opened his mouth what came out was:

“Just popped in to finish you off.” 

Predictably, and despite years of the planarverse’s most inappropriate jokes, Merle gasped out a small admonishing _“Taako”_. Somewhat less predictable, however was Lucretia’s response. A blink, a thin smile and then- 

“You look like shit.” 

Right. He wasn’t wearing the glamour and Lucretia, having never been let back into the private parts of his life post-Wonderland, had rarely seen him without it. 

“You look like you tried to kill yourself.” She laughed as the two of them shared a familiar* look that they hadn’t shared for more than a decade. “Also like thirty years older than you should.” He added, unable, somehow to keep a grin off his face as well. 

“You good to stay on the side of the living for a couple minutes while me and Merle have a chat in the other room?”

The smile hadn’t completely left her voice, though she was quieter now. “It was a sleeping potion, Taako. I wasn’t trying to-” 

“Yeah, sure. You being imprecise is about as likely as me making a melee attack.” And surprising even himself, he leaned down and gave her a little kiss on the cheek before gesturing to Merle. “Come on, Slutty Santa. Kitchen should still be open. We can make cocoa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *But not _too_ familiar


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As with the rest of this fic, general warnings about content involving suicide attempts apply. 
> 
> I think this chapter is rather short, but I expect the next one (which is partially written) will be a big one. 
> 
> If you're with me so far, please do comment. It really keeps me going with this! 
> 
> Thank you guys so much for the love so far!

In the year and a half Taako had lived at the Bureau, he’d only used the kitchen twice. Once to make macarons for Candlenights, just because he missed baking and once in an aborted attempted to pack a picnic for one of his early dates with Kravitz (having only recently returned to cooking at that point he’d gotten shy about it and settled for store bought sandwiches). He’d taken for granted, at the time, that the moon base would have state of the art, industrial kitchenware and that he would have to sneak in to use it. He knew now, of course, that it had been designed with his preferences in mind and that it was one place where his stealth rolls were unnecessary. But he tried to not think about the implications of that, among a million other things, at the moment.

The best thing about Merle, in Taako’s opinion, was that he never made you feel pressured to talk about your shit. Which was probably why people always ended up talking to him. It was probably like...a strategy. You know, be quiet and let them come to you. Like with cats. Which...yuck, but it was still a relief to have sit at the counter (legs dangling like a child) and not say anything leading as he heated milk and shaved chocolate into mugs (dark, naturally). Barry or Lup, or Kravitz or Magnus especially...they would have had something to say after witnessing the scene between him and Lucretia just then. Merle, if he had opinions about it, kept them to himself, for the moment anyway.

Finally, as if in continuation with a conversation they’d been having the whole time, Merle muttered “I feel like I’m the one who aged thirty years.”* 

Taako took a sip from Merle’s mug before handing it to him and gave him an exaggerated once over. “You’ve always looked like that.” He paused to sip his own drink. “Alright, elephant in the room. What’s with the sparkles?” 

Merle sighed, which was not the reaction Taako had expected to what had essentially felt like a Fantasy improv prompt. “Lup and I had this idea...we were going to surprise Lucretia. There’s a lot of people like her. Alone during the holidays. No family. No plans. Anyway, we thought. I thought. Dancing.” He shrugged. 

Taako blinked. “I’m not sure I like where this is going, man. You’re really gonna sit here and drink my cocoa and tell me that a fucking hundred and thirty year old woman tried to kill herself tonight because I didn’t explicitly invite her to my reindeer games? That’s bullshit. First of all, if Lup wanted Lucretia in on what was supposed to be nothing more than a casual dinner we were making, she could have been in on it. Secondly-”

“Slow down.” Merle cut him off, weariness in his voice. “Look, I can’t speak for Lup but _I_ wasn’t going to be the one to show up at your place with Lucretia in tow. And it’s not just...you’re not the only one she makes uncomfortable. You will note Barry’s absence from the dancing plan, for instance. But I’m not trying to put anything on you. Just saying ...she _was_ alone. She was lonely. That was...that’s the situation.”

See that was the thing about Merle. He never pressured you to talk about anything. Never confronted. Mr. Fucking Chill. That’s how your guard got let down. That’s how you ended up sitting in the Bureau of Whatever it Was Now’s kitchen at midnight drinking really fucking good dark chocolate cocoa and having to listen to shit like that. Because no matter how much Merle equivocated about it, a lot was being put on him. And he wasn’t going to take the fall for this. And...and if he was, he needed that from Lucretia. Merle could stay the hell out of it. 

“She’s ok, right? Lup? Everything happened so fast. Lucretia was out and then she wasn’t and then Kravitz showed up-”

Taako rolled his eyes, disinclined to play nice at the moment. “Oh, she’s dead. My boyfriend murdered my sister for crimes against the Raven Queen and I’m sitting here with your sparkly ass and a warm beverage like nothing happened. Of course she’s fine, Merle!” He huffed for dramatic effect before adding. “She had to go to the Stockade for a bit, though. So party’s cancelled, I guess.” 

He didn’t rise to the bait, but nodded into his cocoa instead. “I was probably going to have to skip it anyway.” “Oh, cool. Couldn’t care less either way. Wasn’t cooking based on a specific head count or anything.” Taako could feel himself getting worked into a snit and was almost enjoying it. It had been awhile since he’d really allowed himself to be an asshole. 

“Taako, buddy.” Merle’s (flesh) hand was on his. “You wanna take it down a couple notches? Believe me, none of this is how I wanted to spend my holiday. Shit happens. Lucretia almost- I’m a healer. I can’t leave her here alone right now. It wouldn’t be right.”

Unable to think of an appropriately biting response for that, Taako said nothing. He did extract his hand, however, under the guise of returning to the cocoa making process. He probably needed to make one for Lucretia too, right? That was the kind of thing you did in these situations? Though, knowing her, she’d probably want white chocolate which was pretty close to savagery in his opinion. It probably wasn’t the time to draw that line in the sand, though.

He was just finishing up with her mug when another thought occurred to him. 

“You’re not bringing your kids up here, are you, Merle?” 

“They’re with their mom.” Merle shrugged with feigned indifference.

Taako set his mug down with a loud clunk. “You’re not going to see them for _Candlenights_?” 

Merle sighed, eyes on his drink. “They’ll understand.” 

“Oh, sure.” He scoffed, unsure if the anger he felt flare up in full force right then was justified or not. Frankly, he didn’t care. “My parents were like never around for holidays and I turned out fucking fantastic.”

Merle gave him a look. “Didn’t quite catch that one, buddy.” He eyed his mug. “You don’t have anything a little harder you could add to this, do ya?” 

“I don’t live here anymore, Merle. I have no idea where Lucretia stores her liquor.” He deflated into his chair, suddenly bone tired. “Wake up Avi maybe? I don’t know.” 

“He’s not- that’s what I’m saying, Taako! No one’s here. I just can’t leave her alone like this, ya know?”

“Like what?” Lucretia’s voice, carrying a good deal of it’s Madame Director heft, rang out behind them. “Like an adult who can take care of herself?” 

She had dressed in one of her usual blue robes (as opposed to the nightgown she was wearing earlier) and proceeded to sit down next to Merle at the counter with a modicum of dignity before asking “Is one of those mugs for me?” 

“Yeah, the one with the shavings of extracted bean fat someone once decided they could legally call chocolate sprinkled on top. That’s yours.” He slapped her hand away as she reached for it, giving it a try and an exaggerated grimace before handing it to her. And as she took it she smiled at him, the same secret smile from earlier and a thousand other moments like and unlike that one, where two friends looked at death in the face and were the only ones to laugh. He looked away and for a moment there was quiet again.

“As much as I appreciate the concern and...truly, I do...I need you both to believe me when I say I am _fine_ and I absolutely do not need a babysitter. This has all been...very much blown out of proportion.” 

Taako focused on wiping down his work area while she talked. He didn’t buy a lick of what she was selling right then and knew without making eye contact with Merle that he didn’t either.

She let out a long sigh and her shoulders slumped. “Alright fine. But not here, please. To some people, I’m still...I’m their boss. I’d rather not have to explain a rotating cast of nannies to my employees if they return early from Candlenights vacation.”

And before Merle could even open his mouth to reply to that, Taako heard himself saying “You can stay at my place.” 

He could feel their gazes on him, but he kept his eyes on the counter, scrubbing maybe a bit more than was necessary on a surface that hadn’t been overly dirty in the first place. “I mean, I’ve got the room. I’ve got enough Candlenights crap prepped to feed an army. Feels like kind of a small ask for me to unload some of that waste on you.”

“I’d like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This is close to something my dad said about me once at a very dark time in my life, and well. Projecting aspects of my own complicated relationship with my father onto a Clint McElroy character? It's more likely than you think.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An earlier update since I figured no one wanted to read the next update on actual Christmas. I’m updating the overall chapter count to seven also...but no more than that, I promise (if only for stylistic reasons of not wanting to go more than seven chapters). Adding a background tag does a character who is getting discussed more than I initially thought he would. 
> 
> General warnings still apply, this fic deals with suicide so be careful if that’s a trigger for you. 
> 
> As always, comments make my day and keep me going.

Lucretia threw up on the lawn and Taako laughed so hard about he swore his sides were going to split. “I’m sorry…” he choked out, wiping tears from his eyes. “But you used to make us take the vomit comet every mission like it was nothing...” 

“I didn’t think I had anything left in my stomach.” She was wiping her lips with a frown, her face flushed. “And yes, It’s admittedly been a while since I’ve taken that thing, but I choose to blame my reaction on that being a particularly turbulent flight, due to Merle’s inexperience with the launching process.” 

“Sure, sure.” He unlocked the door and led her inside. 

“Hang on.” She had stopped in her tracks. “You don’t have a bracer anymore. You had to have gotten rifted to the moon base by your boyfriend, right? Why didn’t you just have him pick us up?”

Taako smiled widely. “The grim reaper isn’t a taxi service, Creesh.” 

“Of course. But how is...how do you imagine Merle is getting home to see his family?” 

“Oh, he definitely called Kravitz.” 

_“Taako!”_

He was still laughing as he led her into the house. 

⁂

For the first five minutes of the tour, Taako was genuinely in a good mood. Lucretia gave appropriate murmurs of assent at his design choices and laughed at his jokes. He was starting to wonder if this was strangely, some kind of Candlenights miracle. Yes, a lot of shit had gone down. But he felt light somehow, showing off for her like they were just old friends. 

Then there was the first comment. 

“It doesn’t look like Kravitz had much input in interior decoration.” 

And he knew already where this line of questioning was leading them but he answered anyway. 

“Kravitz doesn’t live here, actually.” 

“Really?” She looked genuinely surprised. “I thought...Kravitz or Lup or even Merle or Magnus…”

“Yeah, no. Just me.” 

“But you _hate_ living alone, Taako. Even in cycles where we went our separate ways on a planet you never flew totally solo.” 

“Well.” He stared at her briefly, carefully considering several pointed comments about how much the last ten years had changed his tolerance for isolation and why, before finally settling on “Good thing I have such pleasant company to beat the doldrums out with now, I guess.” 

⁂

It was almost two when he finally got her set up in one of the guest rooms and retired himself. But her comment was still clanging around in his head as he stared down his hastily removed onesie. He _liked_ being alone now, sometimes. He did! He had been having a perfectly fine evening on his own only three or four hours ago! 

He sighed, choosing to sit with his head in his hands at the edge of the bed instead of undressing. The truth was so much more complicated than an off handed comment could encompass. What he liked was space. But...space you could control. Space where you could be alone but where there was someone in the next room making noise that you could visit if you wanted. The first night he’d slept in the Starblaster he’d thought, privately, that he had never slept better. To have Lup nearby but not have her pointy elbows waking him up every time he managed to drift off? Luxury! It was only a few years into sharing a bathroom with six other people that he’d started day dreaming about the Stately Taako Manor. And if the first iteration of that dream had involved Lup, so what? Things had changed. They had changed. He still _had_ it. It was still a place where he could house people. He could have _guests_. And anyone who hadn’t lived most of their childhood as an unwelcome guest in a series of relatives living rooms would never understand the miraculousness of that, but it _was_ miraculous. And yes, he slept better (ie. at all) when he wasn’t alone here, in Kravitz’s arms or with someone snoring on the next floor, sure. But he didn’t need Lucretia’s commentary about it. He didn’t need anyone’s commentary, actually, but he especially didn’t need hers. 

Because with her here...yes, there was noise downstairs. But it was the noise of someone who knew him before. It was the noise of someone who was the _reason_ there was a before. He’d had ten years where there was never someone in the next room. Ten years plus a shit load of fake memories. Ten years of shady taverns and throwing guys out of bed because he didn’t like the rhythm of their breath. Ten years, and another year of Magnus and Merle being the ones in the next bed or the next room and having to learn to feel relaxed enough to close his eyes and drift off around them both again and for the first time and all the while his head was filled with static he didn’t even notice. Because of her. And she watched it happen and did nothing and when he learned that he just...he bought a house. He started a school. He told a guy he loved him for the first time in a long time in either version of his life. And he _kept_ saying it, which was even more significant. He couldn’t deal in his past anymore or his fear, couldn’t deal in her. He had to deal in forward. 

And then. She almost…left. She was...she would have been gone. And sleep was the last thing he was going to be able to do that night. 

⁂

There were a few people that still needed to be contacted, so he supposed he could dive into that if he was awake. Merle had reluctantly agreed to be the one to call Magnus (which had earned him a quick but genuine goodbye hug from Taako, he really didn’t want to deal with what would most certainly be a good amount of shocked crying over a Stone of Farspeech). That had reminded Taako that he needed to call Angus and try to find a way that the (self proclaimed) World’s Greatest Detective could remain unaware of the mess without suspecting there was a mess to begin with, but that was something he would have to deal with in the morning. Angus was a literal child and hopefully sleeping. So that left the letter to Dav.

Taako had been corresponding with Davenport a good deal, for him, since Story and Song. Which was to say, at all. He’d never been a big letter writer. Who would he have been penpals with? Everyone he wanted to keep in his adult life stayed pretty much welded to his side for a hundred years and after that he’d forgotten that he’d ever had anyone he’d wanted updates from, so he never adopted the habit. A few months ago, however, around the time things started getting real with Kravitz (real as in, “hey dude I don’t want to be in a bad mood all the time because it’s putting you in a bad mood so I’ll talk about it and you can talk right back at me about how that makes you feel but god this sucks do relationships really have to be like this but also um this is great I feel really safe with you” not as in sex, which had been a much earlier milestone) he’d started sending the occasion line to his old Captain. 

Davenport had never been the chattiest member of the Starblaster crew, but they’d shared a few heart to hearts over the years. He had a way about him, a directness, that Taako had found unnerving at first and had later come to appreciate and even rely on. After he’d gotten his memories, and his voice back, Taako had honestly not known how to deal with him and had been privately relieved that he’d left so soon. It wasn’t that he wanted his Captain gone. Not at all. It was the memory of him as a simpering servant who could barely form sentences that was wigging him out. It made him uncomfortable in a way that he wanted desperately to move past. But then he started writing the letters. Dav was the only one of the former crew who hadn’t gotten a Stone of Farspeech before going off to make his own life after Story and Song (actually, he had pointedly returned the one he already had to Lucretia) but letters got to him eventually if you were patient. And Taako, despite suspicions to the contrary, frequently was. 

_Dear Cap’nport_

_Lucretia almost offed herself_

No. 

_I’m writing to let you know that Lucretia had an accident last night._

Not quite there either. 

_I want to find a way to tell you that Lucretia attempted suicide and I want to say it gently so you know what happened and know she’s okay but don’t feel like I’m trying to guilt you into seeing her. I know that’s more likely to track from me than anyone else so that’s why I took this on but I have no idea how to do that because for some reason I decided to house her and now I’m afraid to go downstairs in my own home because I can’t deal with the guilt or anger or...whatever... myself._

He sighed. Clearly he wasn’t in the headspace for that tonight either.

⁂

He wasn’t exactly surprised to see her awake in the living room when he went to get water, though he had to raise an eyebrow at her curled up with the Casey Crawford. The subject matter was not exactly where he expected her interest to lie. He didn’t suppose he had much else for her to choose from, though. 

He cleared his throat. 

“Oh!” Lucretia looked up at him, wrapped in a nightgown again, with baggy eyes, looking smaller than he remembered. “I’m sorry if I-I wasn’t able to...and I didn’t think I’d wake _you_. You always liked to sleep so much more than other elves I’d known.” 

Taako could see perfectly well in low light, but for a moment, he pretended he couldn’t. That Edward and Lydia had taken his dark vision instead of his agility and he wouldn’t have to see Lucretia’s eyes peering out at him in the dark right then. 

He cast a spell to light the room and made his way into the kitchen, returning quickly with not only water, but a box of cookies and a bottle of spiced wine he’d been saving for the party.

“Scoot over.” He commanded and she did, opening her mouth to inquire before he cut her off. “If you can’t sleep and I can’t sleep, we’re gonna have a little Candlenights slumber party and you can explain to me what the hell you’re getting out of my character driven erotica. But listen, this...this whole week is only going to work if you _chill_ on the assumptions about what I would or wouldn’t do. You don’t know me like you used to, Creesh. That’s our base, here, eh?” 

Lucretia looked up at him, chastened but with pain behind her eyes. “I got it. But for what it’s worth...you don’t know me like you used to either.” 

“Fair enough.” He conceded, tasting the wine before pouring her a glass.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! Got right in on the wire with this one. This is the chapter that is based on the idea I had for this fic to begin with. It’s Chonky, it’s intense, hopefully not too messy and I hope you like it! 
> 
> Suicide mention warning is still in affect, and actually quite a big one for this chapter. 
> 
> As always comments mean everything to me.
> 
> Once again, thank you so much for reading!

“Alright. I’ve decided. Team Spencer.”

“Team _Spencer_?! Do you...are you not understanding the shit he’s pulled?! He cheated! He lied! He stole her grandmother’s wedding ring!” 

“I mean...no? I haven’t actually read this book series, Taako.” Her wine sloshed dangerously out of her glass but he cleaned it with some effortless prestidigitation and a snort. 

“Ok, clearly I am not explaining this well enough. Listen. Yes. She _thinks_ Spencer is her soulmate but she’s a known dumbass when it comes to dudes. You can’t trust her judgement on her love life.”

Lucretia sat an inch or two away on the couch, knees at her chest, still slurping at her wine intermittently. “I thought you said she was a respected PI. She must have a decent perception bonus in that line of work.” 

“Yeah no, she does. But she never rolls perception on dick. That’s the _irony_.” 

“That’s not...that’s not what irony means, Taako.” 

“Well, agree to disagree.” 

She snorted, took a bite of glazed gingerbread and moaned. “Holy fucking shit, did I miss your cooking. Let me tell you, Candlenights did not feel like Candlenights when you weren’t around with a plate of cookies.” 

This was dangerous territory but Taako had drank enough at that point to tolerate it with little more than a smirk. The wine was running low. He had the stuff for nog but it would take awhile. Maybe just some hot toddies? And more snacks too, if he was headed to the kitchen anyway. Wrapping a blanket around himself like a shawl, he stumbled across the room. 

“Taako.” Lucretia’s eyes were shining in the candle light. She had followed him, even to the point of wrapping a blanket around herself. “You don’t have to...I…” she trailed off for a moment, watching him and then straightened up suddenly, the Madame Director mask affixed once again. “That’s quite the setup you have there. Does Kravitz cook? Or it just you?” 

He groaned, setting down the stopper of nutmeg he’d fished out of the cabinet. He really didn’t want to go there. “He knows how I like my eggs.” Which was not entirely a lie, he just hadn’t left him alone in the kitchen long enough for him to refresh the cooking skills it took to make them. “And can I just say? Your growing obsession with my boyfriend is erring on the side of intrusive rather than, as I think you mean it, cute.” 

Her lips were a hard line. “I think it hardly counts as an obsession if you patently ignore someone sneaking into your top secret facility for three months.” 

Taako rolled his eyes.“Yeah, I don’t think meeting me at the Chug ‘n Squeeze really counts as him sneaking around. I think that counts as cha boy specifically choosing a public place for a first date because Krav is the literal Grim Reaper and there was a non zero chance he still had a bounty on my soul.” 

Lucretia shook her head. “And yet, date. Very Casey of you.” She sighed. “I’m trying, Taako. You’re my...well. You obviously don’t. I haven’t seen you. And when I have...he hasn’t been the most receptive to my socialization. So. I’m. A romantic partnership has never been one of my goals but for you…”

Taako had to smile. The last time he’d seen Lucretia had been at the opening for her library because Lup had bullied him into going. Kravitz had accompanied him as his date and what everyone didn’t know though maybe could have guessed was that he had spent the whole morning whining to Kravitz about how much he didn’t want to see Lucretia and how if one more person tried to trick them into a conversation so they could “work things out” at one of these events he was going to scream. What did happen was that during the after party, Lucretia had extended a hand to Kravitz and said “We’ve never been formally introduced” and Kravitz, who was so unwaveringly polite that he still knocked on his own boyfriend’s door even when he had a key and had admitted genuine respect for Lucretia’s hard work in the past, had instead of taking her hand simply responded with a cool “no, we haven’t” and turned away to get another drink for himself and although Taako had told him he’d loved him a few times already before that moment he felt as if until then he hadn’t realized how much he really meant it. 

Things were different now, though. He had to remember that. “Look, I get that you’re curious. He, I...it’s a good thing. But there are ...I’ve been up to a lot of other stuff since you last talked to me. New house, new school, new book-”

“You’re writing a new book?” 

He suddenly wished he hadn’t mentioned it. “So uhhh, let me tell you about Kravitz’s dick-”

“ _Taako!_ ” she groaned and then sat down at the breakfast bar with a huff. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re difficult to have a serious conversation with?” 

“Literally everyone has told me that at some point, bubblelah, including you.” He was covering a pre-prepped casserole to heat up, and maybe it was the distraction of that that caused him to add, without thinking. “What do you want to have a conversation about?” 

There was a pregnant pause. “Well. Anything, Taako. I’m...I’m sure there are a few things that you’ve been... and here we are so...I think this might be the time for us to have that talk. I...at this point, right now, I would rather you just say what you want to say to me than dance around it. I really...I can take it. I won’t break.” 

Doubting that last part especially, he put the casserole in the oven on low heat and swished the possibilities around in his mind as he arranged a plate of rum balls and truffles for them to nosh on while they waited. In truth, he had been hoping to live out the rest of his life never having “this” conversation with her again, since in his mind he’d said all he needed to say on the matter but if they _were_ going to connect again, this did feel like the night. Everything felt different, heightened but soft somehow, between them and in more than the sparkly Candlenights Eve kind of way. Of course, they both knew why that was. But if she was really asking for it...well. He sampled a bite from each of the treats before serving them, placed them on the breakfast bar and smiled. 

“Ok, Creesh. If we’re playing honestly ball, let’s play. Why did you do it?” 

“...why did I do what, Taako?” 

He rolled his eyes. “Try to kill yourself. What, did you think I was asking about the whole memory wipe debacle? Because I _know_ why you did that and if I didn’t, you’ve attempted to explain on multiple occasions.” 

She blinked, taken aback. “Taako, I…that’s…”

“Private?” 

She glared. “I _wasn’t_ trying to kill myself! I was...I am tired. That’s all. Very, very tired.” 

“Horseshit.” 

“Excuse me?” 

He sighed and circled the bar so he was sitting down next to her. “Come on. You can’t have gone through what we went through...the dying, the coming back, never knowing if there was an end in sight and not think about it, a little bit. This didn’t come from nowhere.”

“That was...things were different then.” 

“Yeah, no shit they were.” He poured himself more wine before adding. “Well, I thought about it then. We couldn’t, not really. But I thought about it anyway. And later...well. There was a time when for all I knew about myself, I was fucking murderer, so it came up from time to time.” 

“I mean, that would have been a manslaughter charge at best.” 

Taako let out a guffaw so loud at that probably would have woken the neighbors if he hadn’t chosen to live half a mile away from civilization for the aesthetic. For her part, Lucretia was quiet, smiling, presumably at her own glib reply and tearing a rum ball into minuscule pieces. She looked up at him after a moment, shyly. “This is really what you want to talk about? This and not anything else?” 

The laughter died on his lips.

“Fantasy Christ, Creesh! What do you want from me? You want a chance to tell me again how hard you worked, how alone you were, how much you lost trying to keep existence intact? You want to me to fucking absolve you of everything you had to do to get there? I fucking...look, I _can’t_. I know I _should_ maybe, but I _can’t_ , so if that’s what you want out of this you’re...you’re gonna leave disappointed. And I know I’m not supposed to say that kind of shit to you right now. But just...I don’t know, man. That’s...that’s the fucking truth.” 

“I don’t want...gods, Taako. The last thing I want is for you to treat me like.... I told you I’m not going to fucking break, ok? You can go back to… you can hate me all you want. You’ve earned that. I just wish...once, we could talk and you could really hear what I had to say. You’re right. I did lose a lot. I lost...I gave up everything that ever mattered to me. I gave up _myself_ and if I thought the way I did then I would do it again. I was wrong. We both know I was wrong. But I really thought I had no choice.”

It was silent as he got up to check on the casserole. It was nowhere near done and he knew it but he stared into the oven for a moment, letting the heat wash over him before shutting the door and standing again, back to her. “You had a choice.” 

“Taako, I swear-”

He turned. “You had one you knew about. You could have left me...left me and Barry out of it. Without Lup I wouldn’t have given a shit what you did. I mean, I would have _cared_ but...if you let me find her, I would have looked the other way and if you ever knew me at all, you knew that.”

“You’re right, I...” Lucretia had her head bowed and seemed to be choosing her words carefully. “You really want to hear this?” 

“I do.” 

She sighed. “Even if I hadn’t spent fourteen months getting to know a side of you that...I wasn’t sure, even then that you or Barry alone or with Lup if you found her wouldn’t try to stop me. But the truth doesn’t have to do with any of that. I thought she was dead. I was sure of it. I mourned her with the last part of me that felt like myself and then...I shut those feelings away. Watching you and Barry search for her...knowing the fall you were in for when you got to the truth. I...I wanted to spare you that for a little while. It seemed like the least I could do.” 

He let out a breath, something like a scoff. “You wanted to _spare_ me the pain of mourning her? Lup was...Lup _is_...look, all seven of us were pretty much alone in the world by the time we got on the Starblaster but me and Lup. The way we grew up...you know, most people, I’m to understand...there’s like someone, sometimes a lot of someones in their past. A parent, a teacher who told them shit like “you’re wonderful, I love you, you’re better than this...blah blah blah”. For me, for us, we were _it_. When you ripped her memory out I didn’t just forget a friend, didn’t just forget a sister. I forgot what being loved, what fucking loving someone felt like. I’ve fucked up a lot in my life by not caring enough but I always cared about Lup. And I always tried to be the brother she deserved because she was the best fucking sister in the planarverse. Is. And if she had died...damnit, if she died we both deserved the pain of me mourning her. How can you not get that?” 

“I get it.” She whispered. Her eyes were on his for a moment before she crumpled, face in her hands. “I just thought... if I could just get through this. Just one more day. And another. Focus on the mission. I couldn’t look back. But now there’s no mission. Just the aftermath.”

He felt as if he’d just been in a battle and the boss had tripped on some ice and taken themselves out. The deflated, guilty feeling was creeping up on him again. Slowly he approached the chair next to her and gingerly touched her elbow.

She looked up, an embarrassed half smile on her tear stained face. It seemed like she’d almost forgotten he was there. He handed her another rum ball. She smiled, taking the time to savor it before saying anything else “It wasn’t about you. Not everything is, you know.” 

It took a moment before he could figure out what she was talking about. “ Again, agree to disagree.” 

She shook her head and ran her finger over the glass. “How did you...deal with those feelings? Without Lup?” 

Taako didn’t answer for a moment, biting into one of the truffles and sucking the filing out, thoughtfully. A bit of conversational whiplash, but since she was finally acknowledging his original question the least he could do was favor her with a semi honest response.

“I...I mean I didn’t really. I’m not Merle, I’ve never been able to just choose to be happy. I’ve always had difficulty with that. And I’m not Magnus either. I can never just jump into things, trying to do good, whatever that means. But...I wouldn’t say that becoming a fucking adventurer...and not just any adventurer, the kind of adventurer who never uses mage armor because it cramps his style...wasn’t you know, me trying to work some things out.” He paused again, accepting that he had missed his turn out of the more dangerous parts of the conversation somewhere along the way. “Honestly, it was probably, you know...feeling like I was fitting in or whatever with the two of them and…” he sighed “Her. You. The Director. You, uh, you know, you had a job that you needed doing and it was important to you and you trusted me to do it. It was...being believed in was...well, I wasn’t used to that. Turns out I kinda dug it.” He shrugged. 

“Taako-“ 

He shook his head. “Anyway, I know it’s not...It’s not my place. But I want you to know that if there is a part of this, any part that’s about me that I’m not...I can’t get over what you did. I can never, you have to understand that...but...if you killed yourself it would break my fucking heart. And I...I’m sorry it took you getting to this place for me to realize that and tell you because...yeah.” He wiped a tear off of his cheek, quickly, and took a breath. His voice was perilously close to breaking. “And another thing. You should. If you feel these kinds of...you should talk to someone. I mean not just. Yeah, friends, family. But also like, a professional. You know there are people who like, it’s their job to help with this kind of stuff.” 

Lucretia didn’t say anything for a moment and Taako realized, belatedly, that she was wiping her own (considerable) tears. “Yes, I...the Bureau has been, um, trauma counseling has been one of our first endeavors since the rebranding.” 

He smirked. “Of course it has. And it never occurred to you to see someone yourself? 

“There hasn’t been...time.” 

He snorted. “Right. Well. Think about it, ok?” 

“Only if you will.”

He bit back a thousand witty retorts. “Deal.”

⁂

They were back on the couch, bellies full, eyes half open as the sun peeked out over the horizon. 

“Is it a cook book?” 

“Hm?” 

“Your new book. Is it another cook book?”

“Sort of.” He paused, letting out a sigh so soul deep he could feel it in his toes. “It started with Joaquin and the taco. I told him that wouldn’t be the last one I made. But sharing it means context, right? I don’t want to claim it as my own. I want to present it. And then I thought...there are 99 other worlds that I could, if I gave them context and the right recipe I could...present, you know? Give a window at least, for people who heard the story but didn’t experience it. But the problem is I don’t remember half to shit we saw, much less ate. And if I do it wrong. The people I’d be letting down couldn’t defend themselves, you know? So, it’s not exactly a short term project.” 

“I have notes. I could help you.” 

His eyes drifted closed and his lips curled ever so slightly as he leaned his head on her shoulder. “I was hoping you’d say that.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof. This one is even closer to the wire than the last one. Forgive me for any typos. I only got to read it over once or twice.  
> As always, comments mean everything to me.

The next day was a bit of a blur. Taako and Lucretia were strangely gentle with each other, in exactly the way people who’ve recently made up from a long fight often were. Taako felt, for his part, lighter than he remembered feeling in quite some time. He hadn’t realized before that night that there was anything he had been holding back in regards to her but it was a relief to let it out. So now, here they were. Sleeping on the couch, making eggs at 1pm and laughing to the point of hysteria. It was nice. Cathartic. It was...Candlenights.  
But. 

Things were not going to be like this forever. He wasn’t over what Lucretia had done. He hadn’t lied to her about that. He didn’t think he would ever be totally over it. There were feelings. Like a lot of feelings still there. Feelings that didn’t even have anything to do with her, even, maybe. 

He wasn’t ready for that. 

He wasn’t even ready to finish his letter to Davenport, but he needed to do it anyway, so around 9, after they’d finished another batch of nog and he’d diced and fried up half of the potatoes in his pantry he’d excused himself for the evening and settled in to write. 

The letter turned out...ok. He stuck with the “accident” euphemism for what had happened with her. It was really on her to give Dav details, not him. He joked a little about what a bad idea it had been for him to be the one to have her stay over, since he’d already yelled at her twice but then admitted that he was probably glad that they talked but that he was doubly glad it had happened on his own terms. He closed it wishing his former captain a joyous candlenights and reminding him to hit him up if he ever came to shore. 

Hm. Well. That hadn’t been so bad actually. No seemingly unrelated feelings coming up with that one. He could probably actually relax, now, right? There wasn’t anything else lingering he needed to take care of was there? 

He groaned, lying back on his bed and closing his eyes. See, this was the problem with having your memory and subsequently, significant mental faculties restored. You couldn’t really pretend to forget things you didn’t want to do anymore. 

His eyes were still closed as he adjusted his Stone’s frequency. “Hey, Ag-Angus?” He waited a moment. “You’re not asleep, are you? It’s like ten o’clock. Wake up! You’re on Candlenights break. Don’t be such a nerd.”

There was a pause then “Sir?! Taako? Is that really you? Is everything OK?”

Not really. “I don’t know if I appreciate the suspicion, kiddo. Can’t a wizard call his former student to wish him a Joyous Candlenights without it being a whole production?”

“Well...you never do call me, sir. And we since we saw each other the other day when you sold my friendship to that ogre-”

Taako snorted. He’d actually almost forgotten about that. 

“And I’m coming to your and Miss Lup’s dinner on Saturday-”

He winced, hoping his unease wouldn’t be apparent over the stone. “Yeah, about that. We’re uh, postponing the whole big party thing. A couple of people are um, they got sick, so I’m kind of doing a more low key thing this year. I’m not even really cooking. Don’t think it’s worth you making the trip.”

“Oh...I see. Are you sure? I won’t be much trouble.”

Fantasy Christ. “No, it’s not...it’s not that, Ango. I know you won’t. It’s um, don’t want you to get sick, too, you know? Don’t want to ruin your school break.” Taako had the unwelcome thought that his voice sounded, at that moment, uncannily like his father’s. Which was unwelcome and _illogical_ because he didn’t remember what either of his parents sounded like, but this was what happened when you spent 48 hours unearthing 200 years of abandonment issues under the influence of various holiday themed drinks. 

There was a pause and then Angus replied, in a barely audible mumble. “There’s nothing to do here.” Which, if Taako understood Angus’ family situation at all, made sense since his uncle was almost as old and dottering as his grandfather had been. 

“Well, Taako’s gotcha covered there, my man. I’m sending a Candlenights care package along. There’s gonna be cookies, natch, but spoiler...your gift is a book.” Lucretia, he figured, would be able to help him purchase something appropriate. 

He could almost hear the smile form on Angus’ lips. “I thought you weren’t cooking.”

“Listen, if you’re gonna give me sass, you’re gonna get a box full of coal.” He closed his eyes again for a moment, stealing himself before adding “You know it’s not because I don’t want you here, right? I, we all want to see you, kiddo. You know that, right?”

“I do, sir.”

“Good. Alright. Get to bed, kid. You’re due for a growth spurt. Joyous Candlenights or whatever.” 

“You too, Taako.”

“See, that doesn’t sound right coming from you. My name is ‘sir’ and you know it.” Angus laughed. “Alright, don’t have a conniption. I’m very funny, you’re just not used to me anymore. Go to bed, pumpkin. I’m turning this thing off.” 

He didn’t, though, staying on for another twenty minutes of Angus describing his uncle’s attempt at holiday cheer and the personalities of several of his classmates before finally extracting himself from the conversation. 

He lay back on his pillow thoughtfully. He could have told him. Angus could have handled it. But...he _shouldn’t_ have been able to handle it. He shouldn’t have been so used to death and darkness. Truth be told, Lucretia never should have hired him, even if she wasn’t the one who’d allowed him to run around looking for murder suspects in the first place because they couldn’t be bothered to have a conversation with him. Even if being in the Bureau, crazy as it was, provided him with the safest outlet for the curiosity that his grandfather was too sick, and then too dead to manage. Even then, Lucretia shouldn’t have hired him. But he’d just started letting go of one set of resentments aimed her way. He didn’t need to unearth another set. Now if Lucretia had...if she’d done it, he would have had to tell Angus and he honestly didn’t know what dealing with that on top of everything else would have done to him. Good thing he would never have to find out.

He had done the right thing. He thought. But it didn’t feel right. He would tell him someday. When he was older they would talk about it, even if he didn’t want to. But even that. He didn’t want to be the one making these kinds of decisions. He didn’t want this on his shoulders. But that’s how things were. So he was doing his best. 

⁂

Taako hadn’t meant to fall asleep again, having woken in the early afternoon. He must have drifted off a little, though, because, very suddenly he was shocked awake by a blast of icy cold on his face. 

“Motherf-”

He was sitting up now, eyes searching the room and landing, quickly on the robed figure of his boyfriend in the corner, hastily rubbing his hands together. 

“S-Sorry…” Kravitz managed to sound both genuinely apologetic and highly amused. 

Taako crossed his arms. “The touch test isn’t for when I’m fucking sleeping, you god damn creep.” 

Kravitz sat at the edge of the bed and was smiling just a little too widely. “I thought elves didn’t sleep.” 

“Fuck you.” 

“I mean, yeah, probably. Let me settle in a little first.” Kravitz said, practically beaming now as he removed his shoes.

“Ugh.” Taako kept his own expression in a frown by sheer force of will. “How was your-”

“Howwas _your_ day?”

“Yeah, no. That doesn’t count. I was still first.” 

Kravitz raised an eyebrow. “Well, extenuating circumstances.” 

Taako rolled his eyes, although somewhere along the way his frown had softened. “What circumstances? Spending a day and a half drinking with one of my oldest friends? I’m _fine_. Now, I’ma ask you one more time, slugger. How was your damn day?” 

Kravitz didn’t answer for a moment, lying down next to Taako on the bed (though annoyingly on top of the covers which always made it hard to move around properly if you were, you know, already underneath them) and rested his hands behind his head before finally saying “To be honest, it sucked. I hate working on holidays. Especially Candlenights. It would be really nice if, for a couple of nights a year, people could give just give it a rest with defying the laws of life and death.”

“Mmm.” Taako rested his head on his (now thankfully warm) boyfriend’s chest and waited what he felt was an appropriate amount of time for him to continue. When it became clear that that was all Kravitz wanted to say on the matter he nuzzled in closer and smirked “Last year turned okay though, eh?” 

Kravitz looked at him with puzzlement for a moment and then let out a chuckle. “Shit. That _was_ Candlenights.” He peered at Taako for a moment. “You don’t consider this our anniversary, do you? I’m not walking into some bumbling boyfriend cliche here, am I?”

Taako shoved him, lightly. “Don’t be a moron, Krav. You know when our anniversary is.” He glanced significantly at the bowl on his nightstand. “Why, do you want to buy me two presents? Because, I will accept two presents.” 

There was a pause and Taako sat half up again. “You didn’t buy me anything.” Kravitz pulled him back down and kissed his forehead. “Buy, no. I made you something.” Taako made a derisive noise. “Laaame.” Kravitz kissed his forehead again (a very effective distraction technique) “I haven’t exactly had time to pop over to Fantasy Costco recently. Why, have you?” 

“Fantasy Cos-!”

Taako grumbled, extracting himself enough to reach across to the drawer in his nightstand and pull out a small, black box. “What do you take me for? You think you’re getting your first Taako present from a retail location? This shit’s custom made, baby.” Handing the box to Kravitz he added. “And you know, joyous whatever.” 

Kravitz, it turned out, was one of those people who was precious about unwrapping presents. Saving the paper and shit. Eventually, however the box’s contents were revealed. Cufflinks, pink tourmaline inlaid on onyx. 

“ _Taako_...”

“Oh, yeah. I’m freakin’ _good_ at gifts, my dude. So good luck competing with that for the foreseeable future. My condolences.”

He kissed him, and not on the forehead. 

“I mean, now I do feel kind of shitty about my...but...Ok, hold on a minute…”

Kravitz shifted off the bed, reached into his robes (folded neatly on the chair nearby) and pulled out a package that although only moderately sized was definitely too big to fit inside the pocket it had come from without that pocket containing bag of holding like properties. 

This was, at the moment, of very little interest to Taako. He held his hands out. “Hand it over, man. Let’s see that biz.” Kravitz hesitated another moment. “It’s not...it’s not much, Taako. I was going to get you something to go with it but like I said, I haven’t had time to stop anywhere…”

Taako kept his hands held out in the same playfully expectant pose but his expression was softer now. Kravitz’s nervousness was very cute. “Relax, homie. I love getting shit. Doesn’t even really matter what. There’s a pretty low bar here.”

He handed him the package and Taako opened it. What was inside surprised him. It was...food? Fudge? Caramel fudge? With...was that salt on top? 

“This is...my aunt used to make something just like this.”

“Yeah, I...that was the idea. I mean, I’m sure it’s not quite the same. But...I tried.”

Taako’s eyes shot up to stare at his boyfriend. “When did you...”

“Oh, I was...I’ve been working it out for a while. Lup helped me. I didn’t want to practice here, you know. Ruin the surprise. Not to mention your cookware.”

Taako stood up suddenly, the fudge left on the bed. 

“You should move in with me.” 

“What?” Kravitz’s eyes were wide in surprise.

“No, listen. Hear me out. I know you can’t like, you can’t _really_ live with me twenty four/sev. You have to have like, a home in the Astral Plane. I get it. Or you know, as much I can get something like that. And that’s, I think that’s healthy. I wouldn’t want to do it the way Barry and Lup do. I’d get annoyed or you would...but. When you do things like...when you walk around here like a guest it feels. It’s weird. And sometimes...sometimes when you’re off on missions or whatever and your ETA back is more of a guideline I feel like. If your stuff was here. Your cats. Your clothes. You know. If that shit was here. I would feel...you know, better I guess.”

Kravitz pulled him into a tight embrace. “Oh, Taako.” He kissed his head again, a Kravitz special. “Babe, you’ve been my home for a very long time. Yes. Of course I’ll move in with you. Of course I want that. I thought _you_ didn’t want it.” He pulled away a bit to look him in the eyes. “And as for the Astral Plane. Yes, I...a _part_ of me will always belong there but...that’s not. That’s not so different as it is for anyone else. I’m just...much more aware of it.”

And, in a moment more vulernable than the first time he told him he loved him, Taako whispered “I don’t want just part of you.” 

“Well, nobody has _all_ of anyone, Taako. That would be a nightmare. But trust me, you have a big part.” 

A pause and then a smirk. “How big?”

“ _Big_ ”

They laughed and then they kissed again. 

“You’re gonna have to change the cat litter, you know.”

“Psh. I got spell slots.”

More laughter. Another kiss.

“How long do you have?”

“A couple hours. I should be gone by morning. There is...a lot to take care of, still.”

“Mmm. I bet. You wanna catch some z’s?”

“I’m not tired.”

“Me neither.”

They kissed again. And then they didn’t sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it, folks. This was a hard one to write (as you can probably tell from it being a week late). I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and generally keeping me company during this journey. Please comment if you can.

Despite what those who met him casually might think, Taako was typically an early riser. This habit was, of course, not born of a get up and go spirit but of chronically erratic sleeping patterns and an almost shameful inability to meditate. So, it was not much later than sunrise when he stumbled into his kitchen to make coffee and found Magnus sitting bleary eyed at the breakfast bar, sipping tea from one of his good mugs with a plate of thumbprint cookies ready to dip. 

“What are you doing in my kitchen?” He asked, accusingly. 

Magnus looked up, eyes half open. “Oh, sorry. Uh, Kravitz let me in around one-”

Taako groaned. “No, moron.” He took the plate away for a moment, tried a bite of one of the cookies and satisfied by it’s non-lethal nature (even though he had made them just a few days before) returned it. “Not ‘what are you doing in my house’, what are you doing in my _kitchen_? I have six guest rooms. You look dead on your feet.” 

Magnus stared blankly at the returned cookie plate. “I thought you were taking those away for a minute. We were going to have words.” 

Taako didn’t respond to that, refocusing his energy on _breakfast_ and _coffee_ while his friend presumably passed out. Magnus’s rogue training must have finally come in handy, though, because the next thing he knew he was behind him staring down the eggs. 

“Can I have cheese in mine?” 

“Holy shi...jeez, Mags.” Taako ushered him back to a seat. “Why are you _awake_?”

Magnus shrugged. “Wanna be around when Lucretia gets up?” 

“Is she still sleeping? Sheesh.” 

“I checked on her a few minutes ago. She’s breathing.” 

Taako wasn’t sure what to say to that, so he turned back to the food. 

“I’m really messed up about this, man.” Taako gritted his teeth. This was why he’d wanted Merle to be the one to call Magnus. You couldn’t be in emotional situations with Magnus around. He had too many of them to begin with. “Well, you know, me. I’m great. So.” Magnus grunted and either took the hint regarding how little he wanted to talk right then or passed out because he was graced with a few minutes of quiet. Finally, just as he tasted the coffee and omelettes before serving them, Magnus commented quietly “Carey and Killian got engaged.” 

“Really?” This was the first diverting piece of information he’d heard in the last few days. “That’s great.” He meant it. He hadn’t hitched himself to the Team Sweet Flips train the way Magnus had, but he quite liked that couple. His mind flashed briefly to them a few seats away during his first date with Kravitz. Carey gave no indication of surprise that he was sitting at the Bureau’s only intimate location with Death’s Favorite Bounty Hunter (though ostensibly her rogue skills were on high alert and he couldn’t detect all the glances she was giving him). Killian, however, had given him a huge wink and a thumbs up while Kravitz worked on his vase, before turning back to Carey and wiping clay off of her cheek (or trying to, she seemed to be making it worse). That was the closest he had come to discussing his personal life with anyone at the BOB before Story and Song when he introduced Kravtiz as his boyfriend. Of course, Carey and Killian’s relationship didn’t really have anything to do with his. But you know, this was one of those weeks were everything felt all mushed together. 

“Who proposed?” He asked, sitting across from Magnus. 

“They both did. Carey was gonna do it on Killian’s last birthday but decided she’d wait till Candlenights because Killian’s really into the holiday. Which, she is. So that’s when _she_ wanted to do it. I guess they were like, cuddled up and having alone time an hour or two before I got there in the candlelight and neither of them could wait. Next thing they knew they were _both_ down on one knee.”

“Love it. The double proposal is peak gay priviledge.”

Magnus laughed. “Women can propose to men, Taako.”

He took a sip of coffee. “Sure.” And then, maybe because of how early it was or because of his generally raw state of mind, he went against all of his instincts and asked. “Did Julia propose to you?”

Magnus’s sleepy face lit up brighter than any of the candles from the night before. “She might have. I’ll never know. I was, uh, pretty quick with that ring.” 

“Really? You? That surprising. You always take your time and think out your decisions.”

He shook his head. “There was nothing to think out. Not with Julia.” 

And Taako looked at his friend and had two thoughts, not for first time. The first was _I still can’t believe that on top of everything else, Lucretia robbed us all of the opportunity to know your wife._

And the second was _and I know all you wanted to do over the last year was talk about her and I hope you know that the reason I never asked wasn’t because I didn’t care but it was because I didn’t want you to follow that inquiry up with questions about own my tragic backstory._

And for a moment, he actually considered voicing those thoughts. Instead he settled for. “Man, you must have felt like a third wheel.” 

Magnus laughed. “You have no idea.” 

Taako took a moment to spear the perfect bite (egg, cheese and spinach in equal proportion). “Well, you know, you don’t have to worry about that here at Chez Taako. Even with Krav moving in, there’s always space to do your own thing.” 

Magnus raised an eyebrow. “I’m not homeless, Taako. I don’t need to mess up your schedule for you to make eggs. Thanks for the offer, though”

He really wished he hadn’t opened up this can of worms. “Yeah, I know. I just mean, like. I don’t know. Last week. I was thinking. When we went to that cave. I get all these wack ass call to adventure letters. They’re mostly bullshit, but. If you and Merle ever wanted to get the band back together. I’m not that busy. Ren does most of the work. We could go through some of this junk. You don’t have to wait for Candlenights-”

He was crushed in a hug that was so tight and unexpected, he took two damage.

“Okay. _Okay._ Careful with the merchandise. We’re sans healer at the moment.”

Magnus released him. “And that’s different than our usual party composition?”

“Nice.” They clinked coffee mugs.

“OH, WHAT THE FUCK!” A voice cried out from Taako’s bedroom. 

Magnus cocked his head. “I mean, I knew someone had to start a defense against the onslaught of Merle jokes at some point. Did not think it would be Kravitz, though.” 

Speaking of the...entity of death, Kravtiz materialized. His vibe was not quite matching the night before. “Taako, darling. I told you that I had to leave by morning for work. Is there...a reason, you didn’t wake me up?”

Taako smiled, apparently unfazed, and handed his boyfriend a mug of coffee. “Cause I’m not an alarm system, dude. You want me to transmute a rock to do that shit for you, cool. But I am not taking responsibility for your schedule on top of my own. You better get that notion out of your noggin real quick.”

Kravtiz closed his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose. “OK. Sure. That’s fair. But if you happen to know I overslept, you can wake me up. That is not unreasonable.”

It wasn’t, but Taako wasn’t in the mood to concede that point at the moment. He tilted his head toward Magnus slightly. “You wanna maybe table this for now? We can over the ways our habits will inevitably get on each other’s last nerves later.”

Kravitz, noticing Magnus for the first time, composed his expression significantly. “Sorry. That was rude. I’d forgotten- we’re happy to have you. Did you sleep well?” His tone was warm, despite the formality, which made Taako smile. Though they obviously hadn’t gotten close the way he had with Barry and Lup, he could tell Kravtiz genuinely liked Magnus. He also didn’t fail to notice Kravitz’ easy use of the word “ _we’re_ ” in reference to hosting his compatriot which perked him up more than the coffee.

“I didn’t. But please, don’t stop on my account. Domestic squabbles are like white noise to me at this point.” 

Taako snickered and placed a hand on Kravitz’s shoulder. “Welcome to living with people, dude. It’s awful and we’re fucking experts at it.” He could see a small smile forming on Kravitz’s lips and gave him a kiss on the cheek. 

“I may have come in a little hot, there. Sorry.” 

“Damn right.” He gestured to the pan. “You have time for breakfast?” 

“Not really.” Kravitz hesitated for a moment and then his eyes widened suddenly.“Oh,sh-. Listen. There was something else I meant to give you last night.” 

“Heh.” Magnus chuckled into his omelette. 

“...It just totally slipped out of my mind. That’s so unlike me.” 

“Get used to it, my dude. I’m a fucking distraction.” 

“Hee hee hee.” Magnus was now full on tittering. 

Kravitz turned to him, mildly annoyed. “Would you like to sit a little closer? I wouldn’t want you to miss anything.” 

“No, I think I got it. You boys boned so hard last night you not only forgot what you came over for in the first place but you passed out and now you’re late for reaper duty.” 

Kravitz blinked and then replied, with a reappearing smirk. “That’s not...entirely inaccurate.”

Taako coughed. “This is taking longer than breakfast would.” 

“Right.” Kravitz handed Taako a black feather.

Magnus looked up. “If anyone else gets engaged in front of me this week I’m going to lose it.” 

“It’s not.” Kravtiz held the bridge of his nose for moment again. “It’s a pass. To the Astral Plane. I’m sorry. This needs more of a...you get an hour. It will take you directly to the Stockade. You can use it whenever you’re ready.” 

“I can see Lup?” Taako’s voice came out small.

“Yes. Well, you can talk to her. She’ll still be...I...I hadn’t wanted _that_ to be your first impression of the Astral Plane. But, circumstances. Maybe we can take a vacation. The mountains are spectacular.”

His arms were around Kravitz before he could finish his sentence. “I should have woken you up.”

⁂

When Kravtiz described the Astral Plane he always used phrases like “ever lasting peace” and “returning home” and “it’s nothing like the concept of hell, Taako, stop saying that.”. The Eternal Stockade didn’t exactly live up to those reassurances. It was dark. It was bleak and it put him in mind, uncomfortably of Wave Echo Cave, though that may have been an association brought on by hindsight more than anything else. 

The other thing about it was the feeling. An almost oppressive hush, like the idea of quiet was slowing drowning him. He felt almost...dizzy. Like the first time he’d set foot on the moonbase. Only not like that at all. He felt the need to wipe his eyes, as if his vision (for which, dark was, of course, normally no problem) needed to be cleared. It was disorienting to say the least. And...lonely. Lonely in a way that he had only been in false memories. He didn’t like it here. He didn’t know how Kravitz, who was warm and loving and welcoming at all times, even when his body wasn’t, could feel at home here. It was frustrating to not understand, after all this time, such an essential part of him. But they had time. And he would try. 

He felt his knees buckle and he let them, sitting on what turned out to be a stone floor and taking deep, calming breaths. That helped. It still took a while to get his bearings, but eventually it became clear that he was not so alone as he thought.

Sitting next to him on the stone floor was none other than Barry Bluejeans. And he looked...rough. If Magnus had given the impression of having ridden all night and skipped the sleep he needed to catch up on, Barry gave the impression that he hadn’t slept at all in the past three days since he’d seen him. Nor probably eaten, or bathed for that matter. His eyes were bloodshot and unfocused. Taako wondered if he wasn’t in some sort of weird litch trance. 

“Barold? You, uh, you with me, man?” 

“Taako?” Barry blinked and then broke into a huge smile. “Is that really you?” Barry pulled him into an easy hug which Taako responded to with less show of hesitation than he gave most people. “I’m so happy to see you…” Barry was unabashedly shedding a few tears already. “And Lup, she is gonna _lose_ it.”

“Yeah, I bet.” He found it hard to look directly at Barry right then. He looked like he needed a week in bed with an IV. It was abundantly clear, in a way he hadn’t thought about that prison guard in the underworld was not a job meant for someone who still possessed a living body. He didn’t like to think about how Lup was reacting to this. “Where is she?” 

Barry turned to the left and Taako’s eyes followed. There was a wall. It seemed at first to be a wall of light. But no...no, there were...jars? And it was the things trapped in the jars that were shining. Hundreds. Maybe more. Dancing. Flickering. The souls of the condemned. Taken from their rest because they denied that rest to others. 

And next to the wall, lying in glass like she was the princess of a storybook, there was Lup. But no, that was just her body. Her soul wouldn’t be in there would it? He turned to Barry, quizzically. He motioned to jar that was placed near her form and was glowing, if Taako did say so himself, just a little bit brighter than the others. 

“They had to separate her soul out, temporarily. They’re not actually equipped to maintain the living for a few weeks in here.” 

Taako nodded, the almost dizziness threatening to return. He forgave Kravitz for taking her here and doing this. He forgave Kravitz because when it came down to it, he knew he was doing everything he could to protect him and his family. But when this was all said and done and he and Krav started their lives together in earnest he might have to work himself up to being a little mad that he had done all of that and somehow he still ended up in this awful place without him. 

Well, no time for that now. He had other people’s lives he had to think about at the moment. He handed Barry a package of baked goods he’d thrown together. “Eat these.” They’d been for Lup, but obviously that was fruitless gesture. “And why don’t you hop into my Pocket Spa? I’ll be here for an hour. You could definitely use what we loosely define as a short rest around here. “

Barry hesitated and Taako, remembering himself with a sudden ache in his chest, took a quick bite of one of the cookies before Barry did. Barry, finally acquiesing, closed his eyes, savoring the flavor to a degree that Taako felt almost voyeuristic witnessing.  
“Shit, man.” Barry’s eyes opened and he looked like he was going to start crying again. “I’m so sorry.” 

“What the hell are _you_ sorry for, Barold?” Taako bristled. He didn’t think he could take being raked over the coals with another one of these overly emotional conversations, not when he still had Lup to talk to. But far be it from him to deny Barry, of all people, his chance for some deep and painful revelation. 

“For bailing on you. Candlenights. I know how much it means to you. I knew it wasn’t fair for me to leave you like that when I didn’t have to but-”

“Barry.” Taako cut him off quickly, shoving a brownie in his mouth. “You’re never going to have to apologize to me for putting Lup first.” 

Barry choked down the brownie before continuing. “I know, bud, I know. I still shouldn’t have left you.” Taako fidgeted, eyes on Lup’s body again, rather than on the man that was in every way that mattered, his brother. He had a feeling he wasn’t talking about Candlenights anymore.

“It’s fine.” His voice came out quiet, more brusque than he intended. “I should really-”

“How’s Lucretia?” There was regret in Barry’s voice. More than Taako would have expected. But he was not going to get into _that_ right then. He had a limit. “She’s fine. Get in my fucking pocket spa and take a nap, Barold, or I’ll cast sleep on your ass. I don’t have all day in this spook house.” 

“Ok.” Barry smiled, and hugged him again and then, once again. It was Candlenights and Taako was alone. 

⁂

The jar was warm. Almost hot. It took a moment before he could find his voice. 

“Lup?” 

“Taako?!”

He sat down on the floor again. He wasn’t going to cry. He didn’t have time for that. He’d be gone before he knew it. “Yeah, it’s me.” 

“Holy shit. Gods. Taako. Oh my gods.” 

“Well, not gods, really. Just Kravitz doing me a solid. I mean, yeah, he probably pulled a few strings with Mama Bird to get me here. We didn’t have time for the specifics.” 

There was a pause. “He got you a pass? Those are...Taako, a living being visiting the Stockade without a reaper to guard them. Yeah. There were some strings pulled. That one you can give him.” She sounded angry. Ok. Angry Lup was better than sad Lup. He wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of Lup anger, of course. But he rarely was. He just had to diffuse it. Somehow. 

“Dunno if I’m totally chaperone-less. I got Barry stashed in my pocket spa.”

She snorted. “Yeah, do me a favor and take him home, will you? You can send him back when he doesn’t sound like he’s treating his body like it’s still replaceable.”

“That’s the plan, sis.” He hesitated before adding. “Will you be okay without him, though? Alone?”

“I’ve been fucking alone before, Taako. I can handle it.” Her voice came out more bitter than angry now. He found he liked that less than sad. 

Taako didn’t say anything to that. I mean, what could he say? 

“I’m sorry. Taako, you’re not...you’re not mad at me, are you? I couldn’t stand that, on top of everything.” Her voice was softer now, defeated. 

He hesitated. “For what? For saving Lucretia? Nah, dude. RQ ain’t my goddess. I say, formal decree from Istus’s boy, the threads of her fate aren’t done or whatever. This wasn’t Creesh’s time.” He paused. “I’m glad you did it. It was the right thing to do.” 

He could hear her sigh. “Yeah, no shit. But you _are_ mad at me, right? It’s ok. So is Barry. Not for this. But. For...for ‘back soon’.” 

And if he hadn’t known what to say before, he certainly didn’t now. “Lup…” 

She was crying. 

“ _Lup_! Stop! Come on! It’s ok!” 

She snorted. 

“Look, I...Ok. Yeah. I wish you had said something. Given us a clue. I thought... But it’s not the first you ever jumped without a net. I’m used to it.” 

“Is that what you really think? That I just...that I don’t think about you when I do shit? That’s _awful_ , Ko. I think about you all the time. I’m always gonna...I just fuck up sometimes. Maybe...maybe more than sometimes. But I never want to, I’m never going to purposefully leave you behind. You’re with me, always, bro. _always_. You can’t get rid of me.” 

Taako held the jar close to his chest for a moment. “It’s _not_ always, though. Lulu.” 

“That isn’t fair! I never-” 

“That’s not what I mean.” He was almost shaking. He’d gone a long time, years without having this conversation. And it was Candlenights. And she was in a jar. And Lucretia had tried to kill herself and Kravitz wasn’t here and he just didn’t want to. 

_But he had to._

__

“It’s not always because you’re a lich and I’m mortal. We’re not...our paths are not the same. One day, a far away one I hope, I’m gonna beef it and you can’t do what you did for Lucretia. You have to let me go.” 

_“No! Taako!”_

“Yes, Lup.”

“But...Kravitz…”

“Come on. You can’t imagine I got into a relationship with the Grim Reaper and he and I never discussed our options. He’s aware of mortality. This isn’t about him.” 

He wondered, in the back of his mind, how a disembodied spirit could sound _so_ very much like they were weeping. He wished he could hold her. 

“I _can’t_ , Taako. _You_ can’t. I can’t even think about you dying, it’s too much.”

“Don’t think about me dying, then. Think about me _living_ for the first time in more than a century. I have a home. I have someone who loves me. I’m building things that maybe, just maybe might be there when I’m gone. I’m ready to have a life, Lup. I’m done with the holding pattern.”

“And what about me, Ko? How am I supposed to go on when you’re not with me?”

He smiled. “I’ll be with you. We both know that. And...I feel like they should have covered this in Reaper basic training but if not, let me be the first to remind you. Everything fucking dies. Reapers die. Gods die. Nothing stays. Magnus, Merle. Dav. Lucretia. Fucking...Angus is gonna be an old man before I am. I’m looking at a full ass elf livespan. Catch me glamoured to shit over my wrinkles. But eventually, everything ends. That’s just nature, baby.” 

“That doesn’t terrify you?” 

“I mean, yes? But not as much as it used to.”

“Argh!” She sounded like if she had a body, she was about ready to smash something. “This is...everything in my fucking life. It’s a trap. A literal, metaphorical...I’m always fucking trapped. I shouldn’t _be_ a Reaper. I’m not cut out for this. And I _have_ to be. I can’t sit around and watch friends...watch family, watch you...I want to help people. I need to be able to _help_.”

Taako leaned his head on the jar. “Krav says reapers do help people. At least some of the time.” 

“I know.” She sounded tired. God, he wished he could just reach out and be there with her. Really there. This was torture. 

“You know what does terrify me? More than dying?” 

“What?”

“The idea that in the time we have that...all of us...but especially you. That we’ll drift. And snap. That we’ll never really be together the way we should be again.” 

“You’re not gonna lose me again, Ko.”

“Yeah, I know that but…” he sighed “This is the first time since I got you back that we really talked and that’s just because we were fucking forced to. And you’re...you’re the one it’s supposed to be easy with.”

She didn’t say anything for a moment. “So, Candlenights dinner, huh?”

He chuckled, though truth be told, it sounded suspiciously like a sob even to his own ears. “I don’t know what my obsession was. It’s just a holiday. We didn’t even really do Candlenights when we were kids.”

“We did it on the Starblaster, though. _You_ did. Even in the cycles when all the non-twins among us stopped giving a shit about their birthdays. Even cycles where they didn’t have much in the way of seasons. Or inhabitants. You always did something. Even cycles where you _died_ -”

“I made cookies the first day back, yeah.”

There was a pause. “I missed you so much in the umbrastaff. I missed...everything. But you, the thought of not seeing you again. Gods. And then when I found you and you didn’t know me…”

“It’s never gonna be like that again, Lup. Not for either of us. And there’s gonna be times where it’s gonna suck but...it won’t be like that.” 

“Promise?”

“...Yeah. That I can promise.”  
⁂

The special thing about Candlenights is the weirdest thing about it. We think it’s around the winter solstice, but actually it can happen any time during the year. Candlenights comes when it time for Candlenights and that’s about all the scientists can say about that.

For most of Faerun, Candlenights ended that year the night Taako visited his sister. But for some, Candlenights that year ended two weeks later, at a table filled with food in a much too big house set with candles that burned longer than anyone planned for them and while they did, gave each other hope.*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *because anyone who didn't think I was going to end my Candlenights story with some hackneyed Chanukah imagery can, as Beacon from Amnesty would say, eat my whole ass.
> 
> Seriously, though. I can’t thank you guys enough. I’m sad it’s over but so happy it happened.


End file.
